Trump, Tiger Woods, Melania, Pete Hegseth Cold Open

James Austin Johnson’s Donald Trump opened Saturday’s “SNL” with a series of increasingly ridiculous “urgent” phone calls to Tiger Woods (Kenan Thompson), Melania Trump (Chloe Fineman) and Pete Hegseth (Colin Jost).

First up was Woods, who called Trump from the Oval Office to say, “Tiger! It’s Donald! What’s going on, are you playing in the Masters this weekend?”

Woods responded, “No sir. I don’t know if you remember, but I turned my car around and got a DUI.”

“Oh yeah. A DUI,” Trump said (making DUI sound dewy), adding, “As in, ‘Is he running on pills?’ Yes, he does.’

Woods complimented POTUS on his joke, after which Trump told Woods that he “should have told the cops we were friends and they would have let you go.”

“Well, I did and they didn’t,” Woods said, to which Trump replied, “If only there was something I could have done to help. Well, do you want to play some golf?”

“I’m currently in a rehab center in Switzerland,” Woods said, before Trump hung up and answered a call from his wife Melania.

In a bit of a reference to a press conference, the real Melania Trump called earlier this week to announce that she was not associated with Jeffrey Epstein, Fineman’s Melania told her husband, “Listen, I decided I had to make a big, random speech, completely out of the blue, and say I’m not an Epstein victim. Is that okay?”

“Honey, I have to admit this sounds a little crazy. Who are you? Me?”

After wrapping up his conversation with Melania, Trump called Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to inquire about the war in Iran.

“Rest assured, sir, Iran is reportedly being wiped out every Saturday night as much as I am,” said Jost’s Hegseth. “We destroyed everything. We soaked them, tapped their pockets, and turned every core purple. You’ve probably also heard that I want to start another draft, which is a great sign of the ceasefire. This time we’re fighting the millennial cringe by letting 40-year-olds join the military. Yeah, put that finger mustache to work by pulling the trigger.”

Hegseth then asked if Trump was really negotiating a ceasefire.

“Don’t worry about the negotiations, I just heard they’re going very, very poorly,” Trump assured. “I sent in my secret weapon, JD Vance. After those Iranians talked to JD for 20 hours, they said, ‘Please, sir, just go back to bombing us.'”

Watch the cold open below.