Billie Lourd reflects on the death of her mother Carrie Fisher nine years later

Billie Lourd has been thinking about her mother’s death Carrie Visser nine years ago.

“It’s been nine years since my mother died,” Lourd, 33, wrote via Instagram on Saturday, December 27. “My daughter woke up earlier than usual this morning, so we went outside together and she knowingly laid her little head on my chest. She looked up at me with her big soulful eyes and said ‘I love you mommy’ and grabbed my face with her little chubby hands and kissed me.”

The American horror story actress shared that her daughter, Jackson Joanne, 3, greets her with a kiss “pretty much every morning.” (Lourd and her husband, Austen RydelI also share a five-year-old son, Kingston Fisher.)

“Dare I say, there is no better way to wake up and no ritual I love more,” she argued. “I told her how much her grandmother would have loved her and she looked up at me and kissed me again.”

Billie spent the anniversary of Fisher’s death in 2016 watching her own Hollywood talent agent father Bryan Lourdrunning around with her kids “like two old souls who have always known each other.”

“Seeing my father with my children is one of the greatest joys I have ever known,” Lourd beamed. “The kind of joy that makes your face hurt because you can’t stop smiling, the kind of joy that makes you feel like your life is a movie you thought only existed in movies. But then you take a step back and realize it’s better than any movie could ever be.”

In that special moment, Billie remembered thinking that “this joy wouldn’t be possible without my mother.”

“This joy only exists because it existed,” she realized. “So even though she is not physically part of this joy, she is part of the reason for it. Even though she is not alive, she lives on through this joy.”

Billie acknowledged that her “sadness takes many forms,” ​​but now she mainly feels “joy” that her children can spend time with their grandfather.

“[My feelings] can and will change shape multiple times throughout the day, because sadness is never just one thing, but right now I am enjoying this bittersweet, sad joy,” she concluded. “As my mother wisely said, ‘Nothing is ever truly over. Just there.’ My mother’s life isn’t really over yet. Just there – with my children and in the joy I can experience thanks to her. Thanks mom. I will never stop missing you.”

Fisher died on December 27, 2016, after suffering cardiac arrest while on a flight from London to Los Angeles following the completion of a book tour of Europe. A coroner’s report found Fisher had cocaine, heroin, other opiates and MDMA in her system.

Adding to Billie’s grief, her grandmother – and Fisher’s mother – Debbie Reynolds died a day later from a blood vessel that ruptured and caused a hemorrhage in her brain.

Billie reflected on her mother’s long-term struggle with addiction on what would have been Fisher’s 68th birthday in October 2024. (Fisher spoke openly about her experiences with bipolar disorder and drug addiction throughout her life.)

“I did everything I could to help my mother get sober, but unfortunately my mother was never able to escape her addiction. But while she was alive, she always shared the ups and downs of that struggle with others, hoping it would help them escape their own addiction,” Lourd explained via Instagram at the time. “As an addict, opening up about the struggle is the only way out. And the same goes for those of us who have been affected by that struggle. I send my love to everyone who has lost someone to drug addiction. You are not alone. ❤️”

More recently, Fisher opened up in March about her family’s legacy in the entertainment industry — and how she differs from both her late mother and her grandmother.

“I would definitely say the comedy is in the genetics. They were better at it than me. I can do quite a bit of tap dancing, not as good as… young Debbie Reynolds, but that’s in the genes too, although my mother was a bit bad at tap dancing,” she said People. “I’m a very distinct personality, definitely different from both of them. Well, it’s something you learn from generation to generation. I think I learned to balance my life and my work in a different way than they could, and that was also a product of the times.”

Billie is perhaps best known for her starring role Shout queens And American horror storyand also played Lieutenant Connix in the Star Wars sequel trilogy, alongside Fisher.

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, please reach out Substance abuse and mental health administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).