Nikki Glaser 2025 Golden Globes Monologue: The Best Jokes
Nikki Glaser came out swinging at the 2025 Golden Globes, opening her hosting debut with a monologue that poked fun at Diddy, “Dune: Part Two” and Timothée Chalamet for Hollywood’s A-stars.
She began her monologue by calling the awards show “Ozempic’s biggest night,” telling viewers on Paramount+, “You have six days left to cancel your free trial.”
“I have to say this feels like I’ve finally made it. You know, I’m in a room full of producers at the Beverly Hilton hotel, and this time all my clothes are on,” Glaser said, laughing. “It was worth it.”
While running through some of the top nominees, Glaser said, “Tonight we celebrate the best of film and save room for television,” nodding to the viral “Wicked” meme from the press tour. “’Wicked,’ ‘Queer,’ ‘Nightbitch’… these aren’t just the words Ben Affleck screams after reaching an orgasm, these are some of the incredible films nominated tonight.”
Glaser continued, “‘The Bear,’ ‘The Penguin,’ ‘Baby Reindeer’… these aren’t just things found in RFK’s freezer, these are TV shows nominated tonight.”
The host drew attention to “the hardest working actors in show business” – the servers, who bring the celebrities their “cocktails to drink” and “food to look at” to the room.
Glaser addressed Denis Villeneuve’s sci-fi sequel by praising Zendaya: “You were incredible in ‘Dune,’ oh my God. I woke up to all your scenes! As for Zendaya’s other 2024 film, ‘Challengers’? “That movie was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card!”
Speaking about the disgraced music mogul accused of rape and sex trafficking, Glaser said: “I’m sorry, I’m upset too. The afterparty won’t be as good this year, but we have to move on. ‘Stanley Tucci freak-off’ doesn’t have the same ring.”
As the cameras jokingly watched the “Conclave” star shrink, Glaser added, “No baby oil this year, just lots of olive oil.”
Before praising his performance as Bob Dylan in “A Complete Unknown,” Glaser took aim at Chalamet’s facial hair, saying, “You have the most beautiful eyelashes on your upper lip.”
Glaser then moved on to one of the biggest movies of the night, saying, “We can’t talk about movies tonight without talking about ‘Wicked.’ “I didn’t know much about ‘Wicked’ this year because I had friends in high school.”
“Everyone loved ‘Wicked,’” Glaser added. “I loved ‘Wicked,’ my friend loved ‘Wicked,’ my friend’s friend Real loved ‘Wicked.’”
Glaser continued, “With ‘Wicked,’ some people complained that the movie was ruined by people singing. And with ‘Joker 2,’ people complained that the movie was ruined by the images on the screen and the sounds that accompanied them.”
Elaborating on Joaquin Phoenix and Lady Gaga’s poorly received musical, which failed to receive a single Golden Globe nomination, Glaser said, “I’m sorry, ‘Joker 2.’ Where is their table? Oh, that’s right, they’re not here.’
Looking around the room, Glaser welcomed more celebrities to the show. “Thank you for working so hard,” she told “Babygirl” star Nicole Kidman, sitting next to her country star husband. “And thanks to Keith Urban for playing guitar in the house so much that she wants to leave and make 18 movies a year!”
Glaser also hailed “two-time Holocaust survivor” Adrien Brody, referring to his roles in 2024’s “The Brutalist” and 2002’s “The Pianist,” and Glen Powell, who appeared this year in “Twisters,” “Hit Man ” and Glaser’s “head when I have sex with my boyfriend.”
She then welcomed Selena Gomez, who is a double nominee at the Globes for “Emilia Pérez” and “Only Murders in the Building,” and her new fiancé, music producer Benny Blanco, who Glaser joked “is here because of the spirit that gave her permission to him that wish.”
Before introducing its first hosts, “Moana 2” with Auli’i Cravalho and Dwayne Johnson, Glaser seemingly made a playful stab at The Rock’s Teremana Tequila brand.
“Before we start handing out prizes, I want to remind you that if you lose tonight, remember that the purpose of making art is not to win a prize,” Glaser said. “The goal of making art is to start a tequila brand that is so popular that you never have to make art again.”
Glaser is best known for her roast material — she was the undisputed winner of Netflix’s “The Roast of Tom Brady” in 2024. As Globes host, she succeeds Jo Koy, who led the 2024 ceremony with a poorly received monologue about Ozempic and The Genitals of Barry Keoghan.
Prior to her hosting stint, Glaser teased Variety that she would target celebrities in the audience who “have no sense of humor about themselves.” “If I make that person laugh, it shows the people in the room, ‘Okay, it’s safe to laugh,’” Glaser said. “When you laugh at a joke about yourself, you look so friendly, so cool, so handsome. I’m trying to help you. This way you don’t have to play Hip-Hop Hopscotch with Jimmy Fallon to be recognizable.”
In addition to hosting the Globes, Glaser is nominated for best performance in televised stand-up comedy for her HBO special “Someday You’ll Die.”
Variety parent company PMC owns Golden Globes producer Dick Clark Prods. in a joint venture with Eldridge.
